New shoes and public purges.

so last night i was lying in bed with my kitty petting her and all of a sodden i was terribly nauseous. i have no idea why but it was terrible. anywho i ended up throwing up and i know this is bad to say but i felt really good. i havent purged in like 3 months. i forgot how good it felt. how the sudden emptiness is so enjoyable. this is dangerous thinking, and it led to dangerous actions.


 Today i went out shopping with one of my best friends. i bought a new pair of black pumps, they are awesome.So after we had shopped a lot we went to the food court for lunch. the food court is a nasty dirty place full of vial foods. i had Chinese. noodles and rice. after we ate we sat and talked. and i sat and though. i thought about how good i felt after i threw up. and that thinking got so bad i had to get the Chinese food out of my stomach. so i excused my self and went to the bathroom. I purged. A lot. i kept purging until there was nothing left and i had little red spots across my face.i felt so wonderfully light and empty. I know i should have felt guilty or something but i didnt. i felt really good.


i really dont know what to feel rite now. i've been working so hard at getting better, but the purge felt so good. i hate this shit. i cant figure out what i'm feeling or what should be feeling. and i cant tell anyone but you girls about this.


i just dont know anymore

irresponsible

thats me! i never do what i'm supposed to be doing. As i'm sure some of you know i am on independent study for school, witch is essentially homeschooling just without my parents always up my ass. Anywho every week i go in for a meeting with my teacher to turn in my work and talk about my work for the next week. tomorrows me meeting. and i have my science done for the week. and thats it. i still have English, Spanish, math, astronomy, drivers ed, and history left to do. i have about 8 hours to complete a weeks worth of work. and guess what i'm doing? sitting on the computer watching reruns of Torchwood and doctor who.  seriously i'm stressing my self out just thinking about, but i can not find the will to get up and do something about it. and tomorrow when i have to go in and tell my teacher i dont have anything to turn in i will feel so horrible because once again i've disappointed someone in my life. you'd think i'd be used to the feeling of disappointing people. but every time it hurts so bad. i just feel like shit. lower than shit.


On the less self loathing side of things i'm uber excited about the new show Face Off thats starting to night. its like a make up contest on the syfi channel. it looks way creepy and cool. i am like obsessed about make up and i've never seen a make up show. so i am sitting here counting the minutes until its starts at 10 tonight. i'm getting all excited just thinking about it! 


well sorry about my stupid ramblings about myself. 


-love S xoxo


p.s i love you girls for supporting me! i really do care about all of you girls

nothing but bad

today sucks. ya thats it thats all that today is. weigh in day was today. My parents think i dont weigh in anymore, but i do. i cant help it. i know i'm supposed to be getting fatter healthy. but i feel disgusting. i dont want to eat ever again i want to sleep. i hate this healthy shit. i hate the number on the scale. i'm trying to be happy, trying not to hate my self. i'm doing a horrible job at it. god i feel like such a whiny little girl. i'm sick of every thing. i'm sick of trying to be something i'm not. i'm not a normal girl. i'm the skinny quit girl who everyone forgets about. how can i be the healthy normal girl when that isnt me! i haven't been that girl sense i was little. even then i dont think i was that girl. i've never been normal. i've never had lots of friends, or lots of talents. all i've ever been is grey. not too pretty, not to fun, not too anything. the only thing that ever made me great was the starving. i was really exceptionally great at starving. i excelled at starving. i've never been this good at anything. and i dont want to stop being great. i dont want to be just some quit girl. i dont know what i'm going to do.

This Feeling

I'm getting used to this feeling, I wish I wasn't. But I am. This feeling is like a straight jacket strapped around my lungs. My lungs have given up struggling against the straight jacket, now there just trying to learn how to breath again. I have to talk in a whisper like a fair maiden who's corset is far too tight. I want to let you know what this feeling is, but the words aren't working. Trying to tell you what I'm thinking is like figuring out what actually keeps our hearts beating even when we have no idea. Explaining this would be like explaining why everyone we meet has their own secret world they keep locked up inside of them and some of us are being absolutely torn apart in ours. It would be being able to tell you why we keep these things secret even though we all know they exist. We keep pretending and pretending we're not pretending. But the truth is there are some things we all know but just can't say. Every single one of us is dying in our own individual way. You know that feeling between waking and dreaming where you can't tell whether you're asleep or actually awake. It's like a wave of pure confusion, of endless hope, and despair. That's how thinking like this feels every single moment when I don't know what is real and what isn't anymore. I can't tell the difference between memories and make believe. And I certainly cannot tell you how I feel. So I'm taking suggestions as if I can live someone else's life just because I can't figure out mine. But if I could, I would tell the whole world everything I know, think or remember. Because I get so tired of explaining, of defending myself, of being misunderstood. I can only apologize so many times before it sounds absolutely empty and I can only say what I mean but most days, it just means nothing. I have so many words, and so few ways to actually show it without stuttering and stumbling and ruining the whole thing. I swear I have the best intentions in the worst of ways. I don't have the word to tell you how I feel. Or maybe I just don't have the courage.




-S

a good day

today is going seriously well. i woke up happy and am still happy(a first in a long time)  i've had too much calories. i ate popcorn with my mom and brother, we watched the kill bill movies. i love those movies. I'm skinner than uma thurman. i really enjoyed the movie. i love a good martial arts movie. and i tried not to think about the calories going into my mouth one at a time. popcorn is a good snack, it has too many calories. i spent years practicing the art of calorie counting, and its really hard to all of a sudden stop. i do it without thinking really, when i look at food i see numbers. i wish i didnt, but like i said its hard to turn it off.

i think i did really good though. really. i ate a lot of popcorn.(400 cal) and i barely though about it (i'm a liar) recovery is hard and i new that when i decided to get well. i'm not going to give up because i'm stronger than that. i didnt eat for 3 weeks once, someone who is weak couldnt do that. i've proved i am strong and can control my selfs. so now i am going to prove it again. prove it by eating, prove it by getting better.


sorry about my babbling, i feel like my post is boring but i cant think of anything good to write about. hopefully i do not bore you to much! but as always i leave you by saying i love you all, and know that i mean it, you girls have truly given me strength. 


love S xoxo ♥♥


p.s i love you taylor your blog and your comments really give me so much hope and strength. stay safe and well.

a new me

So one of my most favorite bloggers ever, suggested that I make a new blog. A healthy bog, and really I loved the idea. So as you can see this is it. The new blog. I'm hoping I will be as dedicated as I used to be. Maybe even more now that I have my own personal lap top. I got it from my parents when I got out of treatment. They said it was a sign that they could and would trust me again. I don't know if i fully believe them, but hey I got a new computer so I'm not complaining and I think that its a good idea. a sign of trust.


So in the like 2 and a half months I was gone from blogger a lot changed in my life. I was spiraling in to depression and my eating disorder was getting really bad. My parents force feeding me was only making it worse, I know they were trying to help me. but lets face it, they didn't help at all. then one morning I woke up and I was lying in bed with the puppy. and I realized the only time I'd truly tried to get better I was doing it for my parents or my siblings, but really I should have been doing it for me. I needed to be healthy so I could have a good life, not so my parents could be happy. I know its hard but I think this is for the best I've seen so many girls die for this sickness.  I AM NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM!!


I'm on my way to being healthy, I'm not happy all the time. but being happy doesn't come easy to me anymore. Hopefully one day it will again. for now i'm taking every day at a time and I'm not trying to deal with bad memories and problems alone.


i love you girls with all my heart and i appreciate that the ones who really cared stuck around through the depressing posts. you girls really help me a lot. i love you girls!


xoxox the new S