so last night i was lying in bed with my kitty petting her and all of a sodden i was terribly nauseous. i have no idea why but it was terrible. anywho i ended up throwing up and i know this is bad to say but i felt really good. i havent purged in like 3 months. i forgot how good it felt. how the sudden emptiness is so enjoyable. this is dangerous thinking, and it led to dangerous actions.
Today i went out shopping with one of my best friends. i bought a new pair of black pumps, they are awesome.So after we had shopped a lot we went to the food court for lunch. the food court is a nasty dirty place full of vial foods. i had Chinese. noodles and rice. after we ate we sat and talked. and i sat and though. i thought about how good i felt after i threw up. and that thinking got so bad i had to get the Chinese food out of my stomach. so i excused my self and went to the bathroom. I purged. A lot. i kept purging until there was nothing left and i had little red spots across my face.i felt so wonderfully light and empty. I know i should have felt guilty or something but i didnt. i felt really good.
i really dont know what to feel rite now. i've been working so hard at getting better, but the purge felt so good. i hate this shit. i cant figure out what i'm feeling or what should be feeling. and i cant tell anyone but you girls about this.
i just dont know anymore
Awe, girl! *hug* It's not easy with any kind of addiction =( but find the willpower to keep doing the good stuff and not the bad! I have faith in you! I mean, 3 months is EPIC! Please feel better! Love you! ♥
ReplyDeletereturning to something familiar and nice is so tempting hun but you have to fight it. stay strong and remember what you're fighting against.
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This is not easy, we all understand that. But honey, think of how purging made everything worse in the first place, so maybe it'll now make you feel better, but it is clearly the wrong direction you are considering to go. I can't tell you what to do, but I really hope you find the strength to do the good thing. This is hard.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, darling. Please be safe.
Love,
Merely
Don't worry, love! Just take it one step at a time. It's okay to back track sometimes, just as long as you keep facing the right direction. You are very strong, and I know you can do this. (:
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