"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

Monday, January 24, 2011

nothing but bad

today sucks. ya thats it thats all that today is. weigh in day was today. My parents think i dont weigh in anymore, but i do. i cant help it. i know i'm supposed to be getting fatter healthy. but i feel disgusting. i dont want to eat ever again i want to sleep. i hate this healthy shit. i hate the number on the scale. i'm trying to be happy, trying not to hate my self. i'm doing a horrible job at it. god i feel like such a whiny little girl. i'm sick of every thing. i'm sick of trying to be something i'm not. i'm not a normal girl. i'm the skinny quit girl who everyone forgets about. how can i be the healthy normal girl when that isnt me! i haven't been that girl sense i was little. even then i dont think i was that girl. i've never been normal. i've never had lots of friends, or lots of talents. all i've ever been is grey. not too pretty, not to fun, not too anything. the only thing that ever made me great was the starving. i was really exceptionally great at starving. i excelled at starving. i've never been this good at anything. and i dont want to stop being great. i dont want to be just some quit girl. i dont know what i'm going to do.
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 7:24 AM

    Oh honey, I just wish that you'd find out that there are more things to life than this. I am really not one to say this, because I am nothing better, but I would really like to think that way too.
    We'll have to find a way to accept ourselves. And on our journey, we will find other beautiful things life gives us. We just have to be strong enough to start this journey. I really hope you'll find the courage to do it.

    I wish you all the best, darling.
    You have my heart,
    Merely

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  2. KatJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:25 AM

    I hate it when they take that away from us, or we feel we have to stop. The only thing we feel makes us unique. Now it's like I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm not completely focused on the one thing I was good at. But there are other things. More important things. We'll both find them as this all gets better. There will be lovely things that will make you even happier. I hope you feel better, dear.

    ~Cora

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