This Feeling

I'm getting used to this feeling, I wish I wasn't. But I am. This feeling is like a straight jacket strapped around my lungs. My lungs have given up struggling against the straight jacket, now there just trying to learn how to breath again. I have to talk in a whisper like a fair maiden who's corset is far too tight. I want to let you know what this feeling is, but the words aren't working. Trying to tell you what I'm thinking is like figuring out what actually keeps our hearts beating even when we have no idea. Explaining this would be like explaining why everyone we meet has their own secret world they keep locked up inside of them and some of us are being absolutely torn apart in ours. It would be being able to tell you why we keep these things secret even though we all know they exist. We keep pretending and pretending we're not pretending. But the truth is there are some things we all know but just can't say. Every single one of us is dying in our own individual way. You know that feeling between waking and dreaming where you can't tell whether you're asleep or actually awake. It's like a wave of pure confusion, of endless hope, and despair. That's how thinking like this feels every single moment when I don't know what is real and what isn't anymore. I can't tell the difference between memories and make believe. And I certainly cannot tell you how I feel. So I'm taking suggestions as if I can live someone else's life just because I can't figure out mine. But if I could, I would tell the whole world everything I know, think or remember. Because I get so tired of explaining, of defending myself, of being misunderstood. I can only apologize so many times before it sounds absolutely empty and I can only say what I mean but most days, it just means nothing. I have so many words, and so few ways to actually show it without stuttering and stumbling and ruining the whole thing. I swear I have the best intentions in the worst of ways. I don't have the word to tell you how I feel. Or maybe I just don't have the courage.




-S